11 communication rules that all couples should adopt
What makes a relationship successful? Trust, honesty, openness, pleasure are the words that come to mind. But the super important aspect, which beats all the others, is communication.
1 /11 Think of a communication “bank account”
A communication “bank account”
In communication, you can save or withdraw money as in a bank account. In the same way, we can refrain from saying certain things or choose our words according to the situation of your couple. “Nobody likes criticism.
It hurts especially when it comes from someone you love and admire. If you need to criticize, compare your relationship to a bank account, ”says dating and human relations specialist Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Bregman.
That means: spare your criticism and drop your compliments. “It is essential to make a lot more deposits (praise, kindness, expression of your appreciation) than withdrawals (criticism).
Otherwise, your relationship account will be in red. If the amount of compliments and admiration far exceeds the amount of criticism, the day you need to express your disapproval, it will likely be much better received and accepted, ”says Bregman.
2 /11 Couples Communication Tip: Don’t Be Defensive
Don’t be defensive
You don’t need to take the blame immediately or apologize if you were not wrong. But there is a difference between finding the truth or listening to both sides of the story, and the attitude of automatically going on the defensive. “Couples who get along are deeply committed to their common future and the quality of life they want to lead together.
To me, this is the ultimate “truth” in an argument between people who love each other, says Bregman. Each party should adopt the attitude of saying “what can we do to move our lives forward together?” It’s much better than being mean and putting your energy into proving that our point of view is correct and that the other is wrong, ”he explains.
3 /11 Admit your wrongs
If you’re wrong, admit it
If you are wrong, do not pretend that nothing has happened. Take responsibility for your actions, be sincere and make the other person feel that you are taking care of them and that it will be better next time.
No one is perfect, of course, but “even if everyone agrees with this truth, it is quickly forgotten when it comes to communication in couples,” says Bregman.
People who communicate effectively have no trouble admitting that they are wrong. There is no shame in acknowledging that we made a mistake. “What is embarrassing is adopting an egocentric position that prevents you and the person you care about most from making constructive progress,” he warns.
Knowing how to recognize your wrongs is one of the reasons why you can have absolute confidence in your partner.
4 /11 Ask open-ended questions
Ask open questions
To a closed question, we simply answer with “yes” or “no”, or “Tuesday” or “Wednesday”. An open question, on the contrary, does not dictate a specific answer. Here is an example of an open-ended question: “What matters to you in your career as a doctor?”
Closed questions are suitable for many situations. But when conversation matters, couples who constantly communicate with open-ended questions show sincere interest in one another and an attitude of closeness, Bregman continues.
5 /11 Couples communication: solve one problem at a time
Focus on one problem at a time
Let’s say the other forgot to put the dishes away. You are angry. You shout things at him on the dishes and remind him that he was late for supper last week, that he didn’t take the dog out on Tuesday morning, etc.
It’s not a good idea. “Even if there are many things that annoy you about the most important person in your life, and you have a full list of” problems “that you would like to address, it is highly recommended to have only one subject by conversation, says Bregman.
If you ignore this vital rule, you will overwhelm the other under your avalanche of criticism. It will tend to close emotionally so that it does not hear what you have to say. ” Focus on one point and stay in context with what is currently worrying you.
6 /11 Listen before speaking
Listen before you speak
Before spitting out what is weighing on you, take a break and listen to what your partner has to say without interrupting, until the end. Then, and only then, formulate your answer carefully. “When a person lets go in a conversation that involves issues, they tend to:
hear only what she wants to answer;
stop listening to everything that the other says that has no connection;
begin to formulate his response without waiting for the other to stop speaking, says Bregman.
It is a common dynamic of communication and couples who know how to communicate consider such an attitude to be toxic. ” Dialogue is an art, learn to listen better and make yourself understood.
7 /11 Communication as couples: do not rehash the past
Don’t rewrite the past
A dispute that returns to the past has no reason to be in the present. It’s finished. Unfortunately, many couples use past behaviors to defend their current complaints. “It is important to forgive and to know how to forget so that the relationship remains alive.
Yes, there will be disputes, but we have to settle them, forget them and never bring them back into the conversation. This allows the couple to clear the slate to continue moving forward, ”says Bregman.
8 /11 Wait until the next day for an argument
Wait until the next day
If it doesn’t seem like the right time to express yourself (your in-laws have just arrived or you need to prepare a big meeting), keep your feelings for yourself and talk to the other later when you are alone, quiet.
You will be able to resolve things with respect and reason. “It is not because such an attitude exasperates you, or that you have important things to say to your darling that you must say it at all costs. You could hold back, especially if it’s really not the right time, adds Bregman.
For example, if your husband is starving, it’s probably not worth talking to him about his lack of sensitivity to your emotional needs. He will dismiss your reproach en masse now, but maybe listening or able to take it into account at a different time. ”
You can go to bed even if you are angry. It is one of the “rules” that it is allowed to break in a couple relationship.
9 /11 Communication in couples: use sweet words
For good communication, don’t use extreme words
Charges with the words “always” or “never” kill the beauty of a relationship and make your partner feel worthless. “Life is not all black or white, and couples who communicate well tend to stay away from the terms of exaggeration or over-generalization,” says Bregman.
Instead, couples who know how to communicate use criticism by being very precise and avoid the collateral damage that accompanies generalizations.
Your partner is then able to listen to you, he or she feels that you recognize his efforts and that makes him want to do better in the future. ”
10 /11 Couples communication: Say “I” rather than “you”
Say “I” rather than “you”
No one wants to be treated negatively. Instead, express your own emotions so that the other person understands how you feel. “Good communicators mostly speak in the first person. Instead of telling the other that it sucks, the “I” allows you to express your emotions and your needs, especially on the subject that divides you, ”explains human relations consultant Jonathan Bennett. This creates a peaceful resolution based on respect for everyone’s needs.
11 /11 Don’t assume your partner knows your thoughts
Don’t assume your partner knows your thoughts
You cannot read the thoughts of others. So, if there is a communication problem in your relationship, don’t assume that the other person knows what you are thinking without having mentioned it. “When your partner looks at you askance, don’t assume … ask him what’s up!”
We think we know what the other is thinking, but couples always have problems when they make a face or look, “says family therapist Jeff Larsen.
Happy couples communicate well, without getting carried away by perceptions. If something bothers them, they talk about it openly to resolve the conflict and move on. We reveal to you the amazing things that happy couples do in the evening