Today, we are going to see if a sexless marriage can work or not. Make sure to read till the end in order to participate in the discussion and don’t forget to drop your worries or satisfaction in the comments section below. Now, the question is can a sexless marriage work?
We first find love, then we get married and then live a period of satisfying sexuality. Thereafter, the frequency of our sexual activities decreases’ it can even happen that we completely stop making love. Your husband’s back is to your bed.
You are lying beside him, wanting him to be quiet and asking you if this is normal. Time flies. You start to get interested in other men. You are a couple but you sleep alone. You plan to leave but ultimately choose to stay. After all, he’s still your best friend and your relationship is fulfilled in many ways. Are you happy, however?
Marriage without sex is more common than you might think, and many of them are happy unions. You may be one of these couples and not having sex is not a problem.
Stop there! you might say ‘Aren’t sex the key to judging whether a relationship is fulfilling? For a sex and relationship specialist, answering no could seem like heresy when it isn’t necessarily.
As a psychologist and sexologist, I discuss with people their sexual life, a difficult subject, even taboo. I always say that when couples disagree about their sex life, it can cause problems. It is important to talk about any disagreements and whether you both want sexual passion to be a priority.
However, in my experience, I can say that if people are ashamed to talk about their sex life, they are even more reluctant to admit that they have no sex life ‘and that they are doing well. So for some couples, sexual activity is not important and so they should stop worrying about it.
The notion of “normality” must be questioned.
Sexless marriage has no single definition. For some experts, an asexual union goes from the total absence of relationships to less than 10 relationships per year.
Researchers estimate that 10% to 20% of North American couples are completely asexual. In fact, it is difficult to accurately estimate the number of satisfied couples who have little or no sexual intercourse because, as pointed out by sex therapist Bianca Rucker of Vancouver, experts hear only dissatisfied people. As part of my practice, I have treated couples of all ages who had not had sex for a year, several years or even decades.
We must admit that we live in a world where we want everything, immediately (or better, yesterday): love, sex, wonderful children, rewarding employment and a body that remains eternally firm.
Society harasses us by presenting us with sexual imagery, subconsciously convincing us that all the others copulate like rabbits and that we are failures if we are different.
You may check out these 10 common reasons for a sexless marriage by HuffPost.com
But let’s think about it a bit. Originally, sexual activities were a game for young people whose objective was procreation and pleasure and which was replaced by other activities as people got older. In fact, it is normal that over time, the sexual appetite will decrease.
Couples who seek help to resolve the problem of not having sex believe that they want to have a sexual passion. However, some seek passion only because they believe they are “supposed” to desire it. If you have little or no sex with your partner, ask yourself if you want to make changes to your situation.
Perhaps this is not the case. I often meet patients who are relieved to learn that having a less intense sex life is not necessarily a problem.
Whether married or single, some people have low libido; they may want things to change, or they can accommodate them perfectly. However, is a low libido a psychological disorder to be resolved? According to the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, sexual inability is a disorder.
However, according to a specialist in the field, we should only speak of a disorder when the problem causes distress or disturbance. In other words, if you don’t mind your low libido, whether you’re single or living with someone who accepts the situation, you have no problem.
Most people who say no to sex and abandon sexual activities, however, continue to experience healthy and typical human needs in terms of contact, cuddling and intimate emotional ties; they simply do not associate sexual activity with happiness.
If your couple’s sexual activity is not intense, you fall into one of the following three categories:
1. You both want to wake up your libido.
If you both want sexual activity to be part of your relationship again and you want to rekindle the fire of your sex life, it is possible to rediscover passion with the help of a therapist.
It is important to understand, however, that it will be difficult, although possible, to rekindle passion after a long period of sexual abstinence.
To start the process, you may decide to consider your sex life as a hobby and set aside time for sex. If the solution can be simple for some (a couple I worked with decided to put a lock on the door of their room and found that they were much more daring by having the assurance that their children could not surprise them! ), for others, it may take a year of exploration to relight the flame of desire.
2. One partner in your relationship suffers from abstinence.
If you are satisfied with the situation, it is important to check with your partner if it is the same. Approach the subject gently. Once the taboo subject is put on the table, if you decide by mutual agreement to keep things as they are, the thorny question may remain, even be tamed. If it is possible that one of you is sometimes suffering from the situation, you will also realize that your marriage gives you both a lot of benefits.
In other words, making love and maintaining a good relationship does not necessarily go hand in hand and you can decide that near-abstinence, even abstinence, is a compromise to a very fulfilling partnership in many other ways.
If one of you admits that he misses intimate contact, you will have to find solutions other than sexual to remedy the problem. For example, are you trying to get close and get physical pleasure from each other? I worked with a couple whose partners massaged each other to create a physical bond.
3. Abstinence is not a problem for both of you.
You fall into the third category if not having sex is not a major problem for both of you. Your libido has naturally waned over time, or perhaps you have never been sexually attracted to your partner. After all, people get together for multiple complex reasons, not just for love.
As Bianca Rucker says: “There is nothing wrong with not having sex. If sexual activity is one of the very specific components of marriage, some couples can be very close to each other and feel affection, without making love. ”
In the end, love is a very personal concept. Whether you are very or moderately sexually assiduous or prefer cuddling and abstinence, being both happy is what really matters. You just have to find different ways to love yourself.
Cheryl Fraser, Ph.D., is a couple of psychologist and sex therapist. On her CD Become Passion, she teaches how to improve the couple’s life.
What are your thoughts on sexless marriage?